The Five People You Meet (at Western)

Ahhh college...
Although I arguably go to the coolest college ever (go Vikings!), I sometimes wonder if I get the full experience here. Western Washington University is one of VERY FEW Universities in the U.S. that don't have a Greek system. Don't let this fool you, we have some raging parties with plenty of slutty dress up themes, but frats and sororities add an entirely different dynamic to college life. You have bros, bitches, and false camaraderie with a Greek system!

However, after comparing notes with friends across the country at various colleges, I have deducted that there are 5 people at EVERY college. They may even be the same person, I couldn't tell you, but I know I have already met them here in my short time.

5. Awkward Cafeteria Kid.
This guy is never with anybody but doesn't want to sit alone in the dining hall. Although there are plenty of under crowded tables, he usually sits at one of the fullest ones with the most attractive girls, as if he has a chance. He generally manages to juggle reading and eating, while never adding anything to the suddenly halted dinner conversations. He sometimes eats with his mouth open or participates in some disturbing eating practice to make his unfortunate victims suddenly lose their already lackluster appetite for dorm food. This guy probably has a rolling backpack and with less words than he came to the table, will suddenly leave toting his noisy choice of bookbag with him.

4. Fat Girl, Skinny Friends.
Ok, everyone deserves friends, and just because you're fat doesn't mean you need to only hang out with fat girls or that you're any less interesting than your more attractive friends. The truth is, most people who have gotten to know this girl really like her personality, and they understand why she has skinnier more attractive friends. However, would it kill those skinny friends to stop letting fatty borrow their clothes? There's no chance they're going to get them back the same size anyways. FAT GIRLS: You cannot wear leggings as pants. I'm not even fat and I know not to wear leggings as pants because I have a pear-body and nobody needs to see that in such immaculate detail. By all means, this girl deserves the wingwomen she has acquired, but she cannot wear the same things rightfully.

3. Guitar Guy
This kid is just too much to be real. He somehow finds a purpose for his guitar in any situation: cafeteria, middle of lecture, on the quad, at a sporting event, at a party, in his living room, etc. He generally wears outrageous clothing, but is not consistent. One day it will be a tie-dye ensemble, and the next a destroyed leather jacket. But the one accessory you can always count on is his guitar case, which is probably empty half the time. The funny thing about this guy is that everyone knows him for his guitar, but nobody has actually ever heard him play. He's clearly in it for the chicks, but shockingly never actually has females anywhere in his vicinity.

2. Heels Girl
This girl can be seen in the dead of winter no matter how thick the blizzard, she'll stick out. No matter the weather, she wears low cut shirts, skirts, and heels. She probably has a ridiculously high ponytail or else perfectly curled hair. She wears makeup an inch thick and constantly looks like she's headed to the club right after class. She stumbles over her stupid footwear and pretends not to see the judging eyes of every female, but you know her confidence is a ploy. After all, if she really thought she was the shit, she'd wear sweats and a winter coat when it's below 0 instead of lingerie.

1. The Party King
When he makes it to his morning classes, he's still wasted. When he makes it to his afternoon classes, he's holding back his vomit and cradling his head in his hands. When he finally wakes up from his hangover, he's already wandering campus inviting people to a "rager." He probably finds names for every day of the week to justify his alcoholism, (Wasted Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday, etc.). You spend your days praying you won't see him at a party, and when you do, it's even worse. He will be the one challenging you to shot for shot or a game of "Beirut" (because he insists it's not beer pong unless you use paddles). He is already trashed by about 10pm but insists he can keep drinking, until finally his bros carry him to the bathroom and get their sharpies ready. Sometimes, he hits a second wind after throwing up the first one, and usually spends that by slurring nasty pick up lines at uggoes that are still TOO HOT for him.

I'm sure there are many other ubiquitous college kids that materialize on any campus, but these are the five most prominent ones at Western.

Man I Love College

Things I have learned about college by spring break of my Freshman year.

It’s not really that hard. You get to choose what classes you want to take, what time you want to take them, and if you aren’t doing so hot, you can just drop the class with little or no consequence. Entry level classes are only taught by professors half the time and the other half are taught by grad students who are only about 3 years older than you are. The popularity of internet homework and tests has made cheating, ditching, and never really learning anything possible. Half the time you only have a midterm and a final to determine your grade. Quite frankly, if you can’t pass your classes in college, you don’t deserve to get a good job.

4 years is not enough. Independence! Freedom! No curfew! Alcohol and drugs everywhere! It’s a riot! But, after 4 years that should be the best of your life, there’s the “real world.” With the recession in place, there’s virtually nothing to look forward to after college. No fat salary, no mansion with the infinity pool, and no Porsche in the driveway. At this point, anyone can get a bachelor’s degree. You’d probably be better off going to college for as long as you can. Van Wilder status. Asher Roth status. There is NOTHING after college, at least not right now. Get your Masters, hold on to your youth, refuse to grow up! Because college is amazing, there is no reason to graduate, ever.

High School never ends. When I was a senior just counting down the days to graduation, I assumed college campuses were magical lands of maturity. WRONG. There are still “those people.” You know the ones; they love nothing more than to talk shit about everyone they encounter. There are still people who don’t know how to act when they drink. It’s really quite impressive how quickly gossip can get around when you go to school with 14,000 people. There are still people who try WAY too hard to fit some kind of “nonconformist” stereotype. It’s never going to end.

The concept of time doesn’t really exist. “In high school I had class at 8:30 and did fine, so I should be able to make it to a 9 am class in college no problem.” Nice try, but 9 am is no longer late morning. Noon is. Also, 3 am is a perfectly acceptable time to go to McDonalds and 5 am is the perfect bed time.

Facebook > Myspace. Jazzy profiles that blare out other people’s shitty music and freeze your computer are a thing of the past. There is no better outlet for stalking your crush, procrastinating your homework, and posting 6 albums a week of close up self-photos with you and the same three people drinking than Facebook!

You are not unique. Everyone over the age of 16 likes Bob Marley, Family Guy, MGMT, the Boondock Saints, South Park, and Fight Club. You are not interesting or special because of this. Nor is this enough of a human connection to base friendships on.

There are more important things to learn outside of class. Learn how to play beer pong. Learn how to hold your liquor. Learn how to control your hormones. Learn the streets the cops patrol. Learn how to spot a sketchy person. Learn how to live on about $100 a month.

Use ratemyprofessors.com. You will save yourself a dropped class, or just a really shitty situation. You can learn which classes are easy, which are hard, and whether or not you actually need to spend $100 on a book.