Tuesday, March 9, 2010

You Think We're On The Same Page, But I Know We're Not



With 1 week until my Biology 101 final, I am in a place that I do not like.
I have never failed a class in my entire life, In high school I never got below a B, and I haven't gone below a C in college.

I have always worked hard in my classes, I have always been a good student.

My Bio grade is determined between 3 tests and a lab. I got a D on both of the tests so far. I aced the lab but it is only worth 20% of the grade.

I tried really hard. I went to class all but twice. I studied. I went to review sessions. I went to office hours. I read the text book. I still (almost) failed.

I know they say "D for degree" and I could technically still pass the class, but in order to get GUR credit a C- is necessary. I have never struggled this hard to earn a C-, I never thought that was something to really try for. I am going to have to really bring it up on the final in order to be done with science forever.

This fear of failing is something that I have never felt when it comes to school work.

I don't know what my fear really is though. I'm not worried about my school record, my GPA is still pretty solid and I know it will be even better when I am done with GUR's. I fore-warned my mother that I might get a D and she told me not to stress too much and if it happens, it happens. If I have to retake the class or choose a new lab science to take, then I can worry about it then. What is my REAL fear here?

I think maybe fear can be a mechanism we use as motivation. I am motivated by my fear to work really hard studying for the final even though I have still scored low on the other tests. If I didn't have any fear of my final grade, I wouldn't have the "get-up-and-go" attitude and would say, "Fuck studying, it didn't do me any good before."

I think my schoolwork can sometimes fall to the wayside, and even when I should be getting A's, my attitude will be so lazzes faire that I settle for a B. Maybe the fear is just enough to keep me stimulated. Not so much interested, but engaged.

Anyways, I am glad that this finals week I have only to worry about Bio, because it is going to take all of my energy. Fear is EXHAUSTING.

Update as of 1:35 AM March 10:
This plurk (http://www.plurk.com/p/43pbo7) has made this situation 1000x better.
obviously written by at the ridiculous hour of

3 comments:

  1. lucemartMarch 9, 2010 at 9:57 PM

    i am also (unreasonably) paranoid about good grades. my worst grade in a college course thusfar (and this is my fourth year of college, really) is a 3.1, and that was pretty difficult to take. i attributed it to this accelerated program i was in from 4th-8th grade, where i was working at two grade levels above my grade. the message was "you're smart and we expect you to act like it so WORK YOUR ASS OFF." so ever since i have been a GPA junkie.

    i don't know that there is a solution. i've tried. all the panic in the world doesn't make the process easier and all the dismissal in the world doesn't get rid of the panic.

    all i can say is that people keep building you up to get you ready for the "real world" and the truth is college is 24083523 times harder than the "real world." so try to keep in perspective how fucking hard you really are working, and give yourself credit for that regardless.

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  2. thepanthespianMarch 9, 2010 at 11:43 PM

    I am similarly paranoid about grades, having always been a 3.3 or above student, w/ only one C in my history, I obsess over good grades, even when it won't matter too much, but there's something that does matter about it. No matter how well we understand the subject, we want (and in my opinion, deserve) to be graded on our efforts to understand the subject. Frankly, I feel bad when I get great grades in a class by just skimming through and people work their asses off and get lower grades than me.

    Don't know what the point of this comment is, but I felt the need to express some form of solidarity.

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  3. CritMarch 10, 2010 at 12:03 AM

    I remember in psych 101, when we did the chapter on stress and whatnots, we learned that a little bit of stress is good and useful--I know being freaked out about a deadline has kept me up long enough to complete my work sometimes. But when it starts to take over things and nom up one's life, then it should be kicked in the face. A bit.

    Which is hard, because it's not really something you can just shut off. A couple of weeks ago, my friend told me she just wasn't going to worry about her grade in this one class--then, a couple days later, she was back, stressing about the same test.

    When I get in this sort of jam up, I just keep reminding myself that the worst case scenario is really not that bad, and just wait for it to be over--just about a week and a half to pull through now. Time will go on, and there will be ice cream and cake and puppies on the other side.
    Still, good luck on all your finals. :)

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