Love Rhymes With Hideous Car Wreck

It's almost spring. Or if you don't live in Western Washington it might already be spring. This is the time of the year when people get "spring fever." I personally have noticed more and more PDA, middle-of-the-quad breakups and other such couple behaviors this time of year than any other, including Valentine's Day. I have taken it upon myself to describe the kind of couples that I have seen here at Western as well as throughout my life.

"The Honeymooners."
This couple pushes PDA too far into a public soft-core porn. They have been dating long enough to have sex, but not long enough to have a genuine fight. This combination puts them into a stage of pure bliss and disgusting optimism for their future. Most couples start here, and then progress into one of the later couples.

"The Half Relationship."
This relationship involves one member who is overzealous, using every opportunity to introduce the other person as their boyfriend/girlfriend. They generally reach for their partners hand more than necessary and usually call or text often to get together. The problem is that the other person isn't into it, and everyone can tell. Generally this person will clam up when spoken to in pet names, introduced as a partner, or otherwise having attention directed to the relationship. Mutations of this couple include when one person thinks they're dating while the other has no idea they are taken.

"Kiss and Make Up."
This couple is annoying to everyone around them. They probably had a fabulous honeymoon stage, but there is now an impending problem that will cause the demise of their relationship. Instead of cutting their losses and moving up, this couple will fight, day in and day out, about the same goddamn thing. They will promise to fix the issue, make up adorably, and imminently never actually change anything. The next day they will fight again, perhaps louder and with more crying. The problem is, they hold on to the incorrect assumption that they can "go back" to the honeymoon.


"Single is Scary."
This couple has been together for A LOOOONG TIME. Either they had a freakishly long infatuation stage that is now ending, or they have completely changed during the course of their relationship. Regardless, the relationship is over, but neither of them will accept this. They don't remember a life without each other, and they are terrified of this scary world of singleness. They will probably stay in this dead-end relationship for WAY too long until they find someone new to date, and never actually spend any time being single.

"Whatever the Distance."
This couple doesn't live in the same area. They spend weekends and holidays together, but they will go by train, plane or automobile to be together. They are a successful couple regardless of the distance. They learn a lot about each other because their conversations are held over the phone or internet, so they can't just fall back on sex. They look forward to their time together for weeks, and it's truly a wonder to everyone around them how they work it out.

"Separate Lives."
This long distance relationship is the exact opposite. Neither party is willing to change their Facebook Status, to anything other than "Open Relationship" or "It's Complicated." They are probably not faithful, but they don't know the friends of their bf/gf, so they get away with it. They communicate via text only, and probably only act like a legitimate couple when they are together.

"Rendezvous."
This couple is super hush-hush. It is either an affair, illegal, or not approved of by parents/general populace. The teacher and student, the Muslim and the Christian, Romeo and Juliet, etc. This couple thrives on the air of danger surrounding their relationship, and without all the sneaking around, who is to know if they would last?

"Wham Bam."
This couple has no real connection, besides sex. They don't speak, they don't go out, they just stay in and hump like rabbits. They are essentially friends with benefits that don't want to bang someone who has multiple other FWBs. They are often mistaken for honeymooners, who also don't take their tongues out of each other's mouths long enough to talk to each other. The difference is, this couple knows they're just in it for the sex, and they are shameless.

"Fate Made It So."
This couple is destined to be together. The cheerleader and football player, the chess club president and WOW enthusiast. They have so much in common that it seems nobody else could ever be for them. It's usually hard to tell if these couples actually dig each other or if they've been pressured into a relationship. Regardless, it is unstoppable.

"Middle School."
This couple hasn't seemed to grow up. Their pseudo-relationship is based on hugging in the hallways between classes, attending prom together, and getting teddy bears for Valentine's Day. Sometimes they go all the way by switching relationships every other week. Most people ignore this couple and their relationship is deemed invalid.

"Attached At The Hip."
This couple is arguably the most irritating. They go everywhere together. He brings her to guy's night, she brings him to girl's night. You begin to wonder after a while if their hands are glued together. You have never seen one without the other. In public, the girl is incapable of walking to the soda machine for a refill without the boy trailing by the hand. Truly ridiculous.

"Tagalong."
This couple is happy, and they have a good relationship, but they are in completely different stages of their lives. Usually consists of a Senior dating a Sophomore and unadvisedly dragging the relationship into college. Some of these survive, but usually it's just a really annoying, jealous, and ultimately doomed relationship.


There are probably countless other styles, feel free to comment them!
These are the ones that I have noticed in my recent life.

Man I Love College

Things I have learned about college by spring break of my Freshman year.

It’s not really that hard. You get to choose what classes you want to take, what time you want to take them, and if you aren’t doing so hot, you can just drop the class with little or no consequence. Entry level classes are only taught by professors half the time and the other half are taught by grad students who are only about 3 years older than you are. The popularity of internet homework and tests has made cheating, ditching, and never really learning anything possible. Half the time you only have a midterm and a final to determine your grade. Quite frankly, if you can’t pass your classes in college, you don’t deserve to get a good job.

4 years is not enough. Independence! Freedom! No curfew! Alcohol and drugs everywhere! It’s a riot! But, after 4 years that should be the best of your life, there’s the “real world.” With the recession in place, there’s virtually nothing to look forward to after college. No fat salary, no mansion with the infinity pool, and no Porsche in the driveway. At this point, anyone can get a bachelor’s degree. You’d probably be better off going to college for as long as you can. Van Wilder status. Asher Roth status. There is NOTHING after college, at least not right now. Get your Masters, hold on to your youth, refuse to grow up! Because college is amazing, there is no reason to graduate, ever.

High School never ends. When I was a senior just counting down the days to graduation, I assumed college campuses were magical lands of maturity. WRONG. There are still “those people.” You know the ones; they love nothing more than to talk shit about everyone they encounter. There are still people who don’t know how to act when they drink. It’s really quite impressive how quickly gossip can get around when you go to school with 14,000 people. There are still people who try WAY too hard to fit some kind of “nonconformist” stereotype. It’s never going to end.

The concept of time doesn’t really exist. “In high school I had class at 8:30 and did fine, so I should be able to make it to a 9 am class in college no problem.” Nice try, but 9 am is no longer late morning. Noon is. Also, 3 am is a perfectly acceptable time to go to McDonalds and 5 am is the perfect bed time.

Facebook > Myspace. Jazzy profiles that blare out other people’s shitty music and freeze your computer are a thing of the past. There is no better outlet for stalking your crush, procrastinating your homework, and posting 6 albums a week of close up self-photos with you and the same three people drinking than Facebook!

You are not unique. Everyone over the age of 16 likes Bob Marley, Family Guy, MGMT, the Boondock Saints, South Park, and Fight Club. You are not interesting or special because of this. Nor is this enough of a human connection to base friendships on.

There are more important things to learn outside of class. Learn how to play beer pong. Learn how to hold your liquor. Learn how to control your hormones. Learn the streets the cops patrol. Learn how to spot a sketchy person. Learn how to live on about $100 a month.

Use ratemyprofessors.com. You will save yourself a dropped class, or just a really shitty situation. You can learn which classes are easy, which are hard, and whether or not you actually need to spend $100 on a book.

Let's Play Funny, Not Funny!

So I don't know if any of you are familiar with a television program called Wonder Showzen, but you should be.

The basic premise is Sesame Street from the hard streets of New York. If you have ever seen that episode of Chapelle's Show where Snoop Dogg has a venereal disease and they make fun of Oscar the Grouch, I'm pretty sure they ripped of Wonder Showzen. Episodes are sponsored by things such as white people, baby's first sensual oil, etc. It's messed up, and definitely not for children.



In one, maybe two episodes (hard to tell because I usually watch it in a relaxed or even semi-retarded state of mind), they play a game called funny, not funny. In said game, images or video clips are shown of random things such as a man extracting semen from a horse penis, a cartoon man eating a giant watermelon in one bite, etc. while a chorus of children shouts out "funny!" or "not funny!" in the background.

It is my opinion that all things that are meant to be funny should be judged in such a simple way. Therefore I have altered my ratings system to say "funny!" or "not funny!"

Please rate each blog as such. I won't be offended.

I will continue to urge you to watch Wonder Showzen, I'm glad I did.
I was at a friend's house when I first saw it. Her remote control was lost and the TV was stuck on MTV, at the same time, a Wonder Showzen marathon was playing. Being too "lazy" to get off the couch, I decided to watch it. My life was changed forever. I sat on the couch, plastered to the TV for 8 episodes and an entire bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. I think I was even supposed to be somewhere that night.
Sadly, only 2 seasons were made before the show got scrapped, and I own both on DVD. If you have a decent means for downloading media, whether legal or illegal, Wonder Showzen should be on your list.

P.S. I expect to receive many "not funny!"'s on this post because, well, it was meant to be instructional, not funny.

Bitches Ain't Shit But Hoes And Tricks

I am so tired of bitches. It isn't even funny how many stupid bitches I come into contact with every day. Now understand, when I say bitches I don't just mean girls, guys can be bitches too. Basically, you are a bitch if you participate in any of the following activities:

1. Talking shit behind people's backs and hugging them when you see them on the street.
2. Shooting nasty looks at people you don't even fucking know because of how they're dressed.
3. Hanging on your boyfriend/girlfriend constantly and not being able to walk from the table to the soda machine without holding their hand and dragging them along.
4. Avoiding confrontation because you know you've done something wrong.
5. Get drunk 4 times a week but treat potheads like they're criminals/immoral.
6. Show off how much money you have in the company of poor college students.
7. Expect your friends to take you with them everywhere they go.
8. Date someone for a week and decide you're in love with them.
9. Freak out about something really trivial and cause a dramatic grudge match over an easily solved issue.
10. Act stupid for attention.
11. Act like you're smarter than everyone else.
12. Act like you're better than everyone else.
13. Have way too much sex with random dudes/sluts.
14. Talk really loudly on your cellphone or just to a friend sitting next to you so that the whole world has to hear your pointless conversation.
15. Talk about stupid, irrelevant shit that nobody cares about.
16. Wear heels and skirts in the dead of winter.
17. Just don't dress correctly for the weather, you don't look cute, you look slutty and retarded.
18. Just generally act like a bitch.

You know who you are. Leave me the fuck alone. I thought we graduated high school.

She's A Painting Out Of Focus

I have decided to share my mind with the world, whoever may choose to read them.

I feel that in the age of computers, Perez Hilton, Tucker Max, and others, I am also worthy of being read.

I will start by introducing myself:

I am Kacie.
I am currently 19 years old.
My Birthday is on Dec. 7, 1989.
I grew up in Chelan, WA.
I am a Freshman at Western Washington University, possibly majoring in Communication.
I am always open to answering questions, so e-mail them to kacierahm@gmail.com, and I will answer them on the blog.

This is a disinteresting post, but there will be future posts that are better.