Love Rhymes With Hideous Car Wreck

It's almost spring. Or if you don't live in Western Washington it might already be spring. This is the time of the year when people get "spring fever." I personally have noticed more and more PDA, middle-of-the-quad breakups and other such couple behaviors this time of year than any other, including Valentine's Day. I have taken it upon myself to describe the kind of couples that I have seen here at Western as well as throughout my life.

"The Honeymooners."
This couple pushes PDA too far into a public soft-core porn. They have been dating long enough to have sex, but not long enough to have a genuine fight. This combination puts them into a stage of pure bliss and disgusting optimism for their future. Most couples start here, and then progress into one of the later couples.

"The Half Relationship."
This relationship involves one member who is overzealous, using every opportunity to introduce the other person as their boyfriend/girlfriend. They generally reach for their partners hand more than necessary and usually call or text often to get together. The problem is that the other person isn't into it, and everyone can tell. Generally this person will clam up when spoken to in pet names, introduced as a partner, or otherwise having attention directed to the relationship. Mutations of this couple include when one person thinks they're dating while the other has no idea they are taken.

"Kiss and Make Up."
This couple is annoying to everyone around them. They probably had a fabulous honeymoon stage, but there is now an impending problem that will cause the demise of their relationship. Instead of cutting their losses and moving up, this couple will fight, day in and day out, about the same goddamn thing. They will promise to fix the issue, make up adorably, and imminently never actually change anything. The next day they will fight again, perhaps louder and with more crying. The problem is, they hold on to the incorrect assumption that they can "go back" to the honeymoon.


"Single is Scary."
This couple has been together for A LOOOONG TIME. Either they had a freakishly long infatuation stage that is now ending, or they have completely changed during the course of their relationship. Regardless, the relationship is over, but neither of them will accept this. They don't remember a life without each other, and they are terrified of this scary world of singleness. They will probably stay in this dead-end relationship for WAY too long until they find someone new to date, and never actually spend any time being single.

"Whatever the Distance."
This couple doesn't live in the same area. They spend weekends and holidays together, but they will go by train, plane or automobile to be together. They are a successful couple regardless of the distance. They learn a lot about each other because their conversations are held over the phone or internet, so they can't just fall back on sex. They look forward to their time together for weeks, and it's truly a wonder to everyone around them how they work it out.

"Separate Lives."
This long distance relationship is the exact opposite. Neither party is willing to change their Facebook Status, to anything other than "Open Relationship" or "It's Complicated." They are probably not faithful, but they don't know the friends of their bf/gf, so they get away with it. They communicate via text only, and probably only act like a legitimate couple when they are together.

"Rendezvous."
This couple is super hush-hush. It is either an affair, illegal, or not approved of by parents/general populace. The teacher and student, the Muslim and the Christian, Romeo and Juliet, etc. This couple thrives on the air of danger surrounding their relationship, and without all the sneaking around, who is to know if they would last?

"Wham Bam."
This couple has no real connection, besides sex. They don't speak, they don't go out, they just stay in and hump like rabbits. They are essentially friends with benefits that don't want to bang someone who has multiple other FWBs. They are often mistaken for honeymooners, who also don't take their tongues out of each other's mouths long enough to talk to each other. The difference is, this couple knows they're just in it for the sex, and they are shameless.

"Fate Made It So."
This couple is destined to be together. The cheerleader and football player, the chess club president and WOW enthusiast. They have so much in common that it seems nobody else could ever be for them. It's usually hard to tell if these couples actually dig each other or if they've been pressured into a relationship. Regardless, it is unstoppable.

"Middle School."
This couple hasn't seemed to grow up. Their pseudo-relationship is based on hugging in the hallways between classes, attending prom together, and getting teddy bears for Valentine's Day. Sometimes they go all the way by switching relationships every other week. Most people ignore this couple and their relationship is deemed invalid.

"Attached At The Hip."
This couple is arguably the most irritating. They go everywhere together. He brings her to guy's night, she brings him to girl's night. You begin to wonder after a while if their hands are glued together. You have never seen one without the other. In public, the girl is incapable of walking to the soda machine for a refill without the boy trailing by the hand. Truly ridiculous.

"Tagalong."
This couple is happy, and they have a good relationship, but they are in completely different stages of their lives. Usually consists of a Senior dating a Sophomore and unadvisedly dragging the relationship into college. Some of these survive, but usually it's just a really annoying, jealous, and ultimately doomed relationship.


There are probably countless other styles, feel free to comment them!
These are the ones that I have noticed in my recent life.