Man I Love College

Things I have learned about college by spring break of my Freshman year.

It’s not really that hard. You get to choose what classes you want to take, what time you want to take them, and if you aren’t doing so hot, you can just drop the class with little or no consequence. Entry level classes are only taught by professors half the time and the other half are taught by grad students who are only about 3 years older than you are. The popularity of internet homework and tests has made cheating, ditching, and never really learning anything possible. Half the time you only have a midterm and a final to determine your grade. Quite frankly, if you can’t pass your classes in college, you don’t deserve to get a good job.

4 years is not enough. Independence! Freedom! No curfew! Alcohol and drugs everywhere! It’s a riot! But, after 4 years that should be the best of your life, there’s the “real world.” With the recession in place, there’s virtually nothing to look forward to after college. No fat salary, no mansion with the infinity pool, and no Porsche in the driveway. At this point, anyone can get a bachelor’s degree. You’d probably be better off going to college for as long as you can. Van Wilder status. Asher Roth status. There is NOTHING after college, at least not right now. Get your Masters, hold on to your youth, refuse to grow up! Because college is amazing, there is no reason to graduate, ever.

High School never ends. When I was a senior just counting down the days to graduation, I assumed college campuses were magical lands of maturity. WRONG. There are still “those people.” You know the ones; they love nothing more than to talk shit about everyone they encounter. There are still people who don’t know how to act when they drink. It’s really quite impressive how quickly gossip can get around when you go to school with 14,000 people. There are still people who try WAY too hard to fit some kind of “nonconformist” stereotype. It’s never going to end.

The concept of time doesn’t really exist. “In high school I had class at 8:30 and did fine, so I should be able to make it to a 9 am class in college no problem.” Nice try, but 9 am is no longer late morning. Noon is. Also, 3 am is a perfectly acceptable time to go to McDonalds and 5 am is the perfect bed time.

Facebook > Myspace. Jazzy profiles that blare out other people’s shitty music and freeze your computer are a thing of the past. There is no better outlet for stalking your crush, procrastinating your homework, and posting 6 albums a week of close up self-photos with you and the same three people drinking than Facebook!

You are not unique. Everyone over the age of 16 likes Bob Marley, Family Guy, MGMT, the Boondock Saints, South Park, and Fight Club. You are not interesting or special because of this. Nor is this enough of a human connection to base friendships on.

There are more important things to learn outside of class. Learn how to play beer pong. Learn how to hold your liquor. Learn how to control your hormones. Learn the streets the cops patrol. Learn how to spot a sketchy person. Learn how to live on about $100 a month.

Use ratemyprofessors.com. You will save yourself a dropped class, or just a really shitty situation. You can learn which classes are easy, which are hard, and whether or not you actually need to spend $100 on a book.