I Was Sittin' There, I Had A Comfortable Chair And That Was All That I Needed

I need to pay the bills.

I need to buy an external hard drive.

I need to get Skype.

I need to put my clothes away.

I need to babysit tomorrow.

I need to write this blog post.

I need to put the cookies away.

I need to get a C- in Bio.

I need to get more sleep.

I need to find my passport.

I need to call mom and dad tomorrow.

I need to get healthy again.

I need to confront my roommate.

I need to get new tires for my car.

I need to read Rickels.

I need to remember dad's Birthday.

I need to buy more Bedtime Tea.

I need to relax.

I need to go on a vacation.




All I want is for my to do list to disappear for a little while.

Give It Away, Give It Away, Give It Away Now

I love the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
I feel like I've been listening to them as long as I've been alive, more accurately though I became aware of them at the same time I became aware of having a personal taste in music.

So of course between my fandom for RHCP and my past experiences with drugs, I had to read this:



In the book, Kiedis takes the opportunity to explain some of the meanings behind their songs. For "Give it Away," Anthony Kiedis drew inspiration from the German singer Nina Hagen, when he came across one of her jackets that he liked. She insisted he take it, explaining that giving stuff away creates good energy.

Ever since I was younger I've been donating my old clothes to Good Will or smaller friends and little cousins. I remember seeing a young girl at the park in Chelan who was wearing my old orange and yellow tie-dye shirt. I knew it was mine because there was a purple stain (though it fit in on the shirt) from when my dad left a ball point pen in his pocket when we did the laundry.

Today, I decided it was time to get the clothes off of my floor finally. When I realized I had overflowed 3 separate laundry hampers with clothes still in the closet, I knew it was time to purge. I don't like or don't wear about 30% of what's in there.

If I can get a little good energy sent my way, then I guess it's a win win. If I sell it to a consignment shop for store credit, I can even get a few new things in return.

Buy when you buy used clothes, or hand-down your old ones, there are multiple lives carrying them. It got me thinking about that little girl in my tie-dye shirt. What attracted her to that shirt, why did she have to shop at St. Vinny's, and did we have anything else in common besides that shirt?

It's the same thing that makes me wonder about who has lived in my house before? It was built in the 20s, and assuming it has been a college student rental for the last 15 years or so, then some 30 families or people could have lived here. It's like they say, "if these walls could talk." What stories would they tell? What about my clothes? What stories would they tell?

Am I a parasite to my clothes, my house, or are they parasites to me?

And for the love, when will they learn to write?

I'm Wasted And I Can't Find My Way Home

It shouldn't bother me, but it does.


Should I feel like I have no home?
"Home is where the heart is."
But the place which holds my heart is being occupied by somebody else.
I am not welcome in that place.
Where I reside holds a deadline.
Where my parents reside is a lifestyle unrecognizable.

My hometown holds meaning in my past,
But the ghosts of successful people seem to reverberate through the mountains,
Their small lives screaming like sonar across water.
It offers no new knowledge, only bad crowds and bad decisions.

Over the mountains I feel stimulated, but uncomfortable.
I am growing, but I lack that total familiarity that can melt me into restful sleep.
I am happy, but I am not safe.

Perhaps home is an unattainable place.
My standards are too high,
My definition is flawed.

Perhaps traveling is where comfort comes from.
A stationary life is bringing me down.
My itch to leave is becoming unmanageable.


"I met a girl who kept tattoos for homes that she had loved,
If I were her I'd paint my body 'til all my skin was gone."
--Something Corporate, "I Woke Up In A Car"

Where will I wake up tomorrow?
In a bed? My bed?
A house? My house?
A town? My town?

Home?

I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does.

I Just Wanna Let It Go For The Night, That Would Be The Best Therapy For Me

I have recently had my lifestyle change in drastic ways.

When I was a Junior in high school my parents decided I was finally old enough to know how broke we were. Chelan is an expensive place to live and since we remodeled the house and sent my sister to the most expensive college in Washington State BEFORE the economic crisis, we were in debt. They said that it was realistic that they would have to find higher salary jobs, and that they would most likely have to move.

My mom found a job in Bellingham, and that meant that during my entire senior year, she would be living in Bellingham while my dad and I stayed in Chelan. It was really hard for me without my mom. My dad knows how to make a total of four dinners and knows nothing about the urgency for tampons that my mom handled so well. I love my dad, but him and my mother's partnership is one that just...works.

Once I was deciding on colleges, I had spent a lot of time in Bellingham and really wanted to go to Western, but could I really handle being in the same place as my parents when all I really wanted was freedom and space?


After my sister graduated from college with a Bachelor's from a great school, top grades, and insane experience via internships and volunteer work, she still struggled to get a job. After she got one, she was laid off. Then she took a waitress job while in transition, and got laid off. She finally found a job where she was really happy, one that she felt good about. Sadly, she got laid off. This all happened within one year.

I watched her go through bouts of depression after each termination, and it led her to a whole slew of life plans. She considered the Peace Corps, Law school, Grad school, and eventually landed on teaching English in Korea. She flew out of the country today and will be gone for at least a year.


Let's not forget the three nephews, ranging from six months to 5 years old, that were "dropped on our doorstep." I love my nephews, my parents love my nephews, but they are too old to raise them until they're 18. It's hard to have a lot of faith in my brother or his wife to ever get their shit together. I've just watched them fail at parenthood too many times.



With all of these interruptions, my comfort level in life has dramatically dropped. I am now constantly guarded, waiting for the next lifestyle change.

I do not always handle conflicts well. I am somewhat of a bottler, and my emotions can eventually boil over into a flurry of fights. Last week I had an epic battle with my roommate/best friend and my mom. I wish I could handle my emotions better, but I don't.

My life might be a little turbulent, but it could be worse.
I feel like this is a defense mechanism we often use. "It could be worse."

"I could be starving, I could not have access to clean water, I could have lost my parents, I could have died at birth."

Is this a healthy way of handling things? I mean, what is a healthy way of handling things? It seems like there is something wrong with everything we do, according to the person who psychoanalyzes our coping mechanisms.

"Every action has an equal and opposite reaction."

Maybe Baby I Just Wanna Forget

http://www.hulu.com/watch/5348/its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia-joining-the-cause

Ok, so abortion isn't funny.
But "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" is.

I figured this one would need a humorous beginning because it's heavy stuff.

Let's just put it out there: I'm pro-choice. I have never been pregnant, so in the event of a pregnancy there is no way for me to predict what I would do. I just know that I would want the option of abortion and I don't think I or anyone else has the right to take that option away from others.

More than likely, I would have an abortion if I got pregnant in high school or college. It's not something I take lightly, because I protect myself and there is no reason I should ever get pregnant anyways. But any time I enter a physical relationship, I have to talk about my options, and think about them.

If I were to get pregnant soon after college, I would be like this girl:
http://www.hulu.com/watch/5348/its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia-joining-the-cause

Adoption is a good option to have. I don't intend to ever be pregnant and have always wanted to adopt myself. I think that having an overpopulated world and unfit parents who are looking for better lives for their children, it is the responsible thing to do.

After my last blog post, I was challenged on plurk:
awritedesign asked: what about those who don't want a baby, have the education and the resources, but don't have the control to "wrap it up" all the time?

First I say, if you don't have the control to wrap it up, get on the pill or the patch or the shot or what have you.

Second, I think if you have the means to take care of a child but don't want one, your options should be the same as those who do not have the means. I may not agree with them all, but ultimately it is not my decision or business to make those decisions for others.

I think prevention is ultimately the best option, and if you're not responsible enough to protect yourself then you shouldn't be having sex. Plain and simple.

I think that ultimately it is a personal decision, between the mother and father, in some cases just the mother.

I don't know why this topic is one that I kind of obsess over, as I said I have never been pregnant. Maybe it's because I always wanted to adopt, even before the nephews proved my point. The fact that I don't have that "mom" gene, the one that makes me want my OWN child, has always perplexed me. It doesn't bother me, but I do find it strange that the desire is completely absent to be pregnant.

Anyways, this was rambly, and unfortunately late (thanks for forgiveness Tony).

But! I will post double bloggage this week!

Let's Talk About Sex (Babies)

It's time to have "the talk."

Or at least one of them. I feel like a parent already because I've been discussing the harmful effects of drugs and drinking and what not.

But something else has been weighing on my mind. Something I am frightful of, not because I think it has any chance of affecting me, but because I have seen it swallow up my friends and acquaintances, and even complete strangers.

That thing is unsafe sex. Yes, it’s that talk, “the birds and the bees.”

I am not of the delusional ideal that sex is reserved for marriage. It's not realistic and it's already too late for most of my audience, I'm sure. I think that what you do with your own body is your own business, to a certain extent.

If you're the village bicycle, cool. If you really are going to save your virginity for marriage, cool. It is not my business or my concern how often or with whom anyone experiences sex.

But for the love, PLEASE protect yourself. It becomes more than an individual choice when a baby is involved.

Teenage pregnancy was a very real thing at my high school, and in Chelan in general. Off the top of my head I can count 14 girls who got pregnant in high school or within a year after. This might not seem like a lot, but it's a small town. Also, these are just the girls that carried their babies to term, I am also not of the delusion that nobody ever had an abortion.





Even though both of these shows try to focus on how hard it is to have a child when you haven't finished high school, it still seems like people aren't learning their lesson! In an age where birth control is existent, easily accessible, usually free, and simple, I find it insane that people are still experiencing unwanted pregnancies. I know that some religions don’t believe in birth control, but nobody follows all the rules all the time, and I think this might be a rule worth breaking.

Although I know there are people who obsess over having a child and poke holes in their boyfriend's condoms, I don't think that the majority of these pregnancies are the result of that. If you’re willing to sleep with a homeless man just to get pregnant, you need help far beyond what Sex Ed can give you.



I hated listening to those dumb girls on Maury after school everyday, but there was nothing else on TV.

What I do enjoy is the occasional Lifetime movie, and the executives at Lifetime must have shit themselves when they heard about this:




There is a lot of information out there that debunks the actual existence of a pregnancy pact at Gloucester, but there was 18 pregnant girls in a small town. Lifetime definitely over-dramaticized the story, and formed some kind of unrealistic story to the tune of:



The fact of the matter is that even if there wasn’t a pact, there is proof that a lot of these girls intentionally got pregnant.
For more information check out: http://www.gloucester18.com/index.php

My peers in Chelan are getting pregnant at an alarming rate as well. One of them I know to be trying to trap her ex boyfriend into a relationship, unsuccessfully. One of them had a disturbing home life and couldn’t wait to start a family of her own. One of them felt like a baby was the only person that could possibly love her.

I understand that a lot of people have issues. Baby syndrome might be kind of like an eating disorder, a control issue.

But for many, pure ignorance causes these unwanted and usually unsupported babies.

I mean, it doesn't take much of an education to use a condom, or take a pill. The fact of the matter is that people just don't want to, or they're afraid to buy condoms at the store where someone's mom works, or they don't like the feeling, or the worst: they think pulling out works.

I have seen that even married couples who try to have a baby might not be capable of taking care of them. It is important to protect yourself and to protect the unborn life. DO NOT HAVE BABIES UNTIL YOU ARE READY. If you want to have sex, fine, but you should do what I’m about to do to this blog:

WRAP IT UP.